


Hillside Contemplation

by Lunaraen



Category: MCSM, Minecraft Story Mode
Genre: Guilt, Panic Attacks, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-07-25
Updated: 2019-07-25
Packaged: 2020-07-19 06:57:02
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,403
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19969888
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Lunaraen/pseuds/Lunaraen
Summary: The hill is plainer, almost unremarkable save for the view it gives them and the way the city's colors reflect off the grass, muted and soft.It's like a beacon of peace.Or loneliness.(Radar needs to leave the poetry to Lukas.)





	Hillside Contemplation

Radar likes sunrises more than sunsets. Sunsets promise darkness and the looming need to sleep that'll end up getting ignored about as long as he can ignore it, while sunrises promise full new days to continue what he knows and to experience different things and meet new people.

But for every sunrise there's a sunset, and he's not the only one feeling melancholy tonight.

There's only a little shame in admitting to himself that he's focusing so much on the view so he won't have to focus on Aiden's next sigh, the latest in a string of far too many.

Beacontown doesn't quietly slip off into the darkness of night, hasn't in all the time Radar's worked here and even before then, and it lights up in a different way once the sun sinks low and the moon soars high. The maintained protections for people's creativity when building means there are a lot of different designs, but so much of the city glows even at sunset.

Even the calmer districts and areas tend to have a number of sea lanterns and blocks of glowstone, gentle, in comparison to the multicolored beacons and the beams reaching to the clouds at the center of the city, but still lit.

It makes the city that much safer when the sun can't protect them from mobs and it all looks stunning, chill blues and warmer golden glows mixing together nicely and spiced up by the glows tinted by colored glass, the cooler neons of the night almost a trademark of the busier areas. It's impossible to see the intricate designs many of the lanterns have from here, but their smaller glows and tinted glass help the shops stand out.

It's another part of Beacontown's charm.

Even when close up detail isn't available, it stands tall, beautiful, and safe, radiating life and warmth as far and as loudly as it can.

(He can even see the glass encased lines of lava surrounding Ivor’s home, tubes of orange snaking their way to the ground, the skull house itself used more for storage now than living, given Ivor’s well used room and lab in the temple.)

Radar might not like sunsets as much as sunrises, but he still likes them. It's hard to dislike something so pretty.

Night, as pretty as it is, has far more hate-able features, like wandering seas of monsters and bloodthirsty creatures, and it still brings sleep, serene moonlight nights, and skies full of glittering stars.

He doesn't even hate night.

(It used to be his favorite time of day, once, when he slept more often, probably more reasonably. Even when he was being worked to the bone under Stella, he looked forward to sleeping as soon as he could, as soon as the quill was down and the paperwork finished.

Dreaming was his favorite thing, when he could be anybody and anywhere, before it became another distraction, another problem demanding attention and time.)

The hill is plainer, almost unremarkable save for the view it gives them and the way the city's colors reflect off the grass, muted and soft.

It's like a beacon of peace.

Or loneliness.

(Radar needs to leave the poetry to Lukas.)

Beacon of everything or nothing, or both, it's treated all the same by Aiden, fingers plucking at some of the purple-tinted blades of grass and one hand curling into the loose soil. His jaw keeps clenching and unclenching, and the fingers digging into the dirt mimic the motion.

It's been a bad day.

(Maybe a bad week, or even a month. Aiden's been more melancholy than usual lately, just a bit more withdrawn and snarky, and there's no real telling how long he's been feeling down.)

And Aiden stares.

He stares down at the city, at the lights and the milling people, the same way Petra eyes an encroaching monster horde or the way Ivor monitors a notoriously tricky potion.

There's a hunger in his eyes, a _want_ , tempered by experience and expectations.

They've been here before, when Radar was first tasked with giving Aiden a tour of Beacontown and Aiden was only hesitantly trusted (and trusted at all much more by Jesse than by Lukas) to not try and pull anything. It was almost an entire season ago.

The walk here was meant to be relaxing, meant to be a chance for Aiden to vent, and he's just as relaxed as Radar is.

Radar, for the record, is not relaxed in the slightest, doing his best to keep from rapid-fire tapping his foot against the ground while his fingers card through his hair in an almost frantic manner and his mind keeps returning to reminders of paperwork still unfinished and projects that need more attention.

He needs to diffuse the situation, whatever it is, for both their sakes, to be a good friend and also to keep each of them from spiraling in silence.

(Having a panic attack on a nondescript hill outside of town isn't what either of them needs.)

Radar almost rests a hand on Aiden's shoulder before thinking better of it, hand instead resting on his own knee as he sits cross-legged beside Aiden and foot tapping quietly against the grass. From this angle, he can see the bottoms of his shoes are temporarily grass stained, tinged green.

"We don't have to talk about it, but when you're ready... I'm here."

There's no real ideal or expected response to that. Radar's ready to respect his answer, whether he spills everything now, lets Radar know he's not ready now and may never be, or gives him the silent treatment.

Aiden stays quiet just long enough for Radar to begin to suspect he's going with the third option.

"...there's not a lot to discuss." The answer is as unfortunately unhelpful as expected and feared. The follow up helps only incrementally. "You've read Lukas's book- everybody here has. You already know what happened."

Trauma isn't easily coped with after years of stewing and barely a season of healing. Guilt is just as hard.

And Radar is officially trained for none of this, though he's had plenty of unofficial on the job training thanks to the mountains of trauma trailing behind and hidden by the Order.

"And it's been kind of terrifying, I won't lie. Knowing you did those things and that Jesse still wanted you to come here, and live with us." Radar swallows, hoping it isn't as terribly loud as he thinks. More importantly, he worries this is just making Aiden feel worse, and Aiden doesn't look much more comforted by the admission. "But Lukas doesn't seem to know much about what happened to you after that, after you first got to Sky City, and he definitely never published anything on it. He changed your names for a reason."

Different names kept their lives from being any more stressful or rough upon returning to their own world, and kept Radar from knowing exactly who Aiden was or what relevance he had to Lukas and Jesse until they'd decided to clue him in.

Beyond the Order and the Blaze Rods themselves, and him, no one knows the connection between the old Ocelots and the harrowing Sky City adventure.

The only reaction Radar's seen firsthand is the occasional surprise and excitement that Aiden, Maya, and Gill are back, having been gone so long but still being known for their fantastic and award winning building skills, and none of them have reported any harsher interactions.

"Yeah, well, all the exciting stuff ended pretty much when the Order left. What you read was all that was worth reading." It's hard for Radar, sometimes, to see Aiden as the monster from Lukas's retelling. He thinks whatever personal growth Aiden had before writing his letter to Jesse would be much more interesting to read, more enlightening and less horrifying. "Gill got slammed, once, with a brick. He was bleeding pretty bad- he's lucky it only ended up leaving him a concussion. We're lucky."

"...you aren't worried about anyone here doing something like that, are you?"

Aiden says nothing.

He almost speaks, for a moment, mouth opening before it shuts and he shrugs, looking away from Radar. His nose scrunches slightly as he gives a hollow half-grin, a tired huff, his fingers brushing his hair back and only almost getting tangled in it.

The _Yeah, I mean, come on_ goes unspoken, and Radar has to swallow again.

The paranoia's understandable, and it's terrifying.

And Radar has always protected himself with knowledge in the face of terror, when he has no shield to bash, because sometimes it feels cowardly but it's comforting in the end to know things will likely turn out okay and how, because Jesse almost never fails and gets up every rare time she does.

"There are few areas in town as well protected as the temple, and people here don't have the same connection to what happened as people who actually lived in Sky City. You can always go back to living with us if you don't feel safe." Aiden's shoulders hunch, and Radar has the dismal realization that he's not helping yet, too blunt or too intense in his desire to help fix everything. He forces any dismay at this realization out of his voice, letting it relax as he also forces himself to breathe. "If anyone here has a problem, all they have to do is see that the Order's already forgiven you guys. It's done, it's over, and the Order wouldn't have you living here if they didn't trust you."

The look Aiden levels him is almost blank, unamused and flat before he raises an eyebrow.

"They kept Cassie."

(Okay, so that's one other person who knows their actual involvement in Sky City.)

"Who's been making her own progress!" Aiden's expression doesn't change much, while Radar's wilts. "I don't think she's murdered anybody recently."

Aiden snorts, his bangs falling into his eyes as he shakes his head.

"Right, there are just giant rats and disappearing spider colonies actually mutilating bodies in those caves people keep somehow wandering into. That might fool a couple of reporters, but I don't think it's really got the press duped either. Not all the way."

It definitely doesn't fool Radar, if only because he's sat in on a number of conversations about Cassie's means of disposal.

As much as they could be conversations, with Cassie disregarding them.

And while Aiden hasn't sat in on any of those yet, he's smart enough to have figured it out, especially when every named body, the few not mutilated past the point of recognition, ends up linked to some plot to overthrow or harm the Order.

And he's smart enough to know Radar knows better too.

"I don't think she's murdered anybody who didn't have it coming?"

Maybe letting Cassie into their lives, their home and headquarters, was a questionable decision, but it was Jesse's, and Cassie defends herself by pointing out that she only attacks people who she has good reason to believe are a serious danger to the Order or Beacontown.

Her "interventions" are rare and occasional enough, not to mention helpful. The shadier parts of Bad Luck Alley are understandably more fearful, more cautious, and Radar thinks they're all the better for it.

(He's admittedly not much of a fan of Bad Luck Alley, as much as he likes Jack and Nurm, because people living "off the grid" more often than not seem to think they're above or below the rules enough to not worry about them, and that includes basic stuff like "please don't try to overthrow the Order that saved the world multiple times". This way, no matter why they're pulling that kind of stuff less, they're safer from Cassie.)

It comes down to Jesse being _really nice_ to a lot of people in ways Radar doesn't understand and in ways he's kind of okay with never understanding.

He doesn't understand it any more than how he understands why Jesse's good with forgiving him for his occasional slip ups and lost forms even when it costs them so much time and stress. Jesse's done so much for so many people, and if she wants to do more, who's going to stop her?

(There should probably be a difference between her forgiving him for screwing up on the job and actively taking serial killers and old tormentors into their temple, but _it's Jesse_. She knows what she's doing. Well enough to somehow pull it all off, anyway.)

And he's right, but that's not the right thing to say. Not with how Aiden tenses up, eyeing him more critically before relaxing his hands.

Radar isn't sure when they curled into fists in the first place.

"Would I have it coming? Would Maya? Would Gill?" Radar doesn't have a good answer, and Aiden knows it. He doesn't pause long, gaze drawn to the scarlet sunlight bouncing and shimmering off the rooftops and windows of Beacontown. "If you didn't know us, only knew we tried to kill the Order, that I tried to kill Jesse, and Cassie thought we were some kind of threat? Would it be okay then?"

Heck of a question to ask.

(Radar's first thought is that Aiden is perhaps unfairly charitable towards Maya and Gill, happy as Radar is with all of their progress, and that Maya and Gill don't view themselves the way Aiden does and actually kind of hate it when he blames himself for everything that happened.

They've made it clear they're as guilty as he is, not more and not less.

But he doesn't want Aiden, with a bad history of being angry near edges, to nudge him off the cliff here and now, and he doesn't want him to storm away, so Radar doesn't bring it up.)

"...morals are hard where Cassie's concerned."

Aiden's look softens, half-smile humorless before he sighs.

"Yeah, I get that. And I don't know if I can really blame her for it. But... the idea that some people earn that kind of stuff, getting attacked, because they're suspicious enough or did bad enough things before is what got us so much hell in New Sky City. Gill got more than just a brick chucked at his head, you know."

He knows.

"...sorry."

"Nah. Don't- don't worry about it. It's just- everybody thinks they're doing the right thing. Even if they're throwing junk at people's heads, or attacking them from shady corners and dark alleys, or burning cities to the ground."

It's a good thing Aiden doesn't smoke or drink, because he looks ready for either, and Radar isn't planning on driving him further down that path.

"We try to avoid doing that sort of thing here. It's not really good for making people feel safe, and it just kills tourism."

It doesn't quite get a laugh out of Aiden, but the snort sounds amused.

"Smart."

"...do you feel like you're doing the right thing?" Radar doesn't mean to contribute to Aiden's crisis, or whatever it is that he's exactly grappling with, which might just be a moral dilemma topped with trauma. He just gets the feeling that he is, and Aiden's guarded look prompts him to clarify. "Now that you're here?"

Maybe that's not the point.

Maybe he's missing something.

Maybe Aiden doesn't even know, stuck in the past and still clawing his way into the future.

"Hell of a lot better than where we were." Aiden shrugs, tilting his head to the side as he looks away from Radar and up at the gathering wispy clouds above them. "...it feels too good and I'm scared of messing it up. Jesse trusting us doesn't mean anything- sure, it's nice and all, but she's _Jesse_. Cassie offers protection, but Jesse took in _Romeo_ too- and she pretty much has to teach him how to be human again. Us being here doesn't make it all better, doesn't make us seem like anything other than scumbags she's feeling sorry for. I don't actually have to worry about walking on eggshells around her, but I'm half afraid she's going to wake up and realize she has no reason to trust us, or that we're a threat to her city and her people. There were no powers to take from us, no fancy gauntlet to guarantee everyone’s safety."

(Radar might still not fully understand the story, but it sounds to him like they lost plenty of power when Aiden tried to kill Jesse and she came back, when she had him at sword point and spared him.)

It's complicated.

Radar knows from experience that things that are _complicated_ tend to ultimately just be good fuel for thinking in circles.

He's no Jesse, but he'll have to do.

"You're not a threat- you're getting a second chance, doing your best with it, and Jesse knows it. And if you're worried about other people seeing you that way, then you'll just have to show them that you're not taking it for granted, that you are trying to make it better." Radar dusts off the knees of his pants as he stands, shrugging as he picks a bit of fuzz off his vest. "We've seen a lot of weird things here. Even if everybody knew who you were, what you really did, I don't think it'd shake or bother too many people. You're not hiding here- you're making amends."

"It's probably not a good idea to just shout it out, anyway."

"Probably not." The idea of Aiden doing that, running down the streets and just snapping from the pressure, isn't realistic. It still gets a smile out of Radar. "But I don't think you were planning on that- or bringing it up at work for fun. It doesn't sound like great lunch break small talk."

What Aiden talks with his coworkers about is his business, but bringing up past failed attempts to murder Order members or an entire city hardly seems his style. However justified his paranoia is or isn't, for himself and for Maya and Gill, he's careful and smart enough to take care of himself and not test Radar's theory over how badly people might react. Aiden's history as an award winning builder sounds like something he'd be more likely to bring up at work or get ribbed for.

"Not really."

Jesse's secret, Radar suspects, is that she's too good at forgiving others because she knows they need help.

It's not out of any ignorance, or blind hope that they'll get better, but the sheer determination that they can _be_ better people and that she can help them do less damage, be less cruel to others and themselves, while working out what they want their lives to be. It works well enough, from what he's seen, and few worlds will complain about having less serial killers and megalomaniacs to worry about.

Jesse has that sort of inspiring effect on people.

There's no reason Radar can't help with the healing process, and Aiden doesn't scare him the way Cassie does.

"You know, you can spend the night at the temple with us." It's been a while since Aiden's stayed long with the Order, visiting regularly after moving into his own place nearby but visits rarely going over an hour at a time. Walks around town like this have been only a bit more common and a smidgen longer. "Ivor makes pretty good hot chocolate."

"Is there anybody that tried to personally kill Jesse who didn't end up forgiven?"

"I mean, a couple, but it's a short list." One was an evil supercomputer, and two others were power-happy maniacs who didn't know when to ask for forgiveness from someone who's nearly an endless well of it. "And that's not an answer."

It might be because of his personal experience, or lack thereof, with them, but Radar thinks he likes Aiden much better.

"Sure. Let's go get cavities or sugar crashes or whatever that stuff will give us."

In Radar's experience, Ivor's hot cocoa is great for getting good rest, helped by the right amount of sleeping potion mixed into it, and he knows that the last time Aiden tried it, he ended up taking an impromptu several-hour nap on their couch.

A repeat performance might not be necessary, but it's probably tempting.

Besides, if Radar actually ends up getting to sleep at a reasonable time tonight, he's taking Aiden with him.


End file.
